The Weight of Exclusion
My commitments for inclusion
There was a creator I was following very closely, watching her content every evening to fall asleep.
I developed trust and admiration for her professional skills, as well as a feeling of affection, because her content made me feel relaxed and cared for every night.
I decided to purchase one of her programs, and it was an expensive one. So I browsed her entire website, making sure it was worth my money and also to see all of her offerings. Suddenly I read this:
I don't work with overweight people, with all respect I just don't want to hurt myself.
She is a masseuse, and she claims it’s because she doesn’t want to hurt herself. However, in her videos she treats pregnant women as well as very muscular men, who surely weigh more than 100 kg. So I don’t see why treating an overweight person would hurt her, while treating other heavy people wouldn’t. Moreover, if she is a good professional, she should be able to adapt her practice to different kinds of bodies - just as she adapts for a pregnant woman, she should be able to adapt for an overweight person with a belly. Of course, there may be a point at which adaptation is no longer possible, but “overweight” is a very low bar!
This reeks of fatphobia to me. It’s very clear that if she can massage a very heavy muscular man, she can also massage an overweight person. The problem isn’t the weight, as she claims - it’s conventional attractiveness.
My heart broke. I felt betrayed, after having spent months in her virtual company, admiring her and trusting her as a professional.
And it’s not just that: now I’m looking for an alternative massage teacher, but I’m very scared that the new one I find will also be fatphobic, and that I’ll discover it too late. I feel like I’m constantly guarding my shoulders now.
But from this experience, I made a resolution: I will be very clear in the future about the inclusiveness of my events and services. I don’t want people to be scared to approach me because they don’t know if they’ll be welcomed. So let me spell this out very clearly:
My events are generally reserved for women. In this definition, I include both cis and trans women. I also welcome non-binary people in femme bodies and intersex people who identify as women. For non-binary and intersex people, I leave it to their own discretion whether to join or not: it depends on whether they feel a strong connection to womanhood. If yes, they can benefit from my spaces and are welcome. If not, I advise them not to join - not because I don’t want to accept them, but because I believe they won’t find much value in my spaces.
Moreover, I welcome all kinds of women: those blessed by privilege, as well as those who are fat, disabled, chronically ill, BIPOC, neurodiverse, and beyond, of every ethnicity, cultural background, age (18+) and sexual orientation.
And while I design my spaces with inclusiveness in mind, I know it’s impossible to cover everything. So I ask that those who have accessibility needs reach out to me in advance, so we can discuss how to best support their full participation.
My purpose is to facilitate healing, and the people who need it most are those who belong to underprivileged categories. Therefore, I find it of the utmost importance to include them in my spaces. I myself belong, or have belonged, to several underprivileged categories (and I won’t go into detail here, as it would be too long of a digression). So I can relate to many feelings of oppression. At the same time, I cannot relate to all, because everyone’s experience is unique.
I have educated myself in intersectionality, and I continue to educate myself in matters of decolonisation. Still, I know there will be situations in which I fail to make someone feel included. I hope that when that happens, I’ll be given the chance to learn and make amends.
For now, I speak to you, who stumbled upon my space:
You are welcome here.
All of you.
Soundtrack: All of You from Maya Luna & Pattern Disrupt